Nicole's Knife Rules

A month ago I gave a friend a pocket knife for their birthday. Since I trust this friend with sharp objects less than I trust my sisters at age 12, I wrote out some knife rules. Sadly, my friend seems to have misplaced this list, so I thought I’d put it in a place it could always be found.

I can’t say these are all, original to me, and I’ve added a few to the original list. Please note, these rules are meant in fun, so there will be some tongue in cheek.  If joking about such things bothers you, I would advise skipping this post.

1) A knife is a tool, not a weapon. A pencil can do just as much damage.

2) Never cut toward yourself. Always away from you.

3) Always carry a knife. (Unless it becomes your identity, or you work at a school, or are going on an airplane).

4) Never carry a knife to a gun fight.

5) Always maintain a sharp edge, a dull knife hurts a LOT!

6) Never take a large pocket knife to the Vatican. It’s considered military grade and will be confiscated as an illegal weapon.

7) Never run with an open blade.

8) Keep your knife blade clean.

9) IMPORTANT: NEVER threaten anyone with a knife unless you can pull off a menacing demeanor. If you can’t, spare everyone unnecessary pain.

The following passage from Tad Williams Shadowplay has always stuck in my head as a warning to being stupid with sharp pointy objects.

"They worked for another hour at least as the sun slid down behind the walls and courtyard filled with soothing shadows. Briony, who had thought she could not lift her arm one more time, instead found herself revived by the fascination of sparring with actual blades, of the weight and balance of them, the new shapes they made in her hand. She was delighted she could block Shaso’s own blade with the cross haft of her larger knife and then disarm him with no more than a flick of the wrist. When she managed the trick a few times, he showed her how to move in below that sudden flick with the small knife, stabbing underneath her opponent’s arm. It was strangely intimate, and as the point of the leather-clad blade bounced against his rib she pulled back, suddenly queasy. For the first time she truly felt what she was doing, learning how to stab someone to death, to cut skin and pierce eyes, to let out a man’s guts while she stared him in the face.

The old man looked at her for a long moment. “'Yes, you must get close to kill with a knife-close enough to kiss, almost. Umeyana, the blood-kiss we call it.'”

If you remember nothing else, remember rules 1 and 9.

I'm curious, what rules would you add?